* I FEEL LIKE A DISAPPOINTMENT 😢*
Dec 16, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Y0aa0oA7Ms

[Music]
good evening meaning today you guys
I literally have pretty much sat in this
same spot since I woke up well it's yeah
pretty much since I woke up excuse the
fact that my circus is trying to come in
but I got the door locked this time mama
needs a break but I was just like doing
so much stuff like literally it just
would not I don't know I had like a list
of things that needed to be done and I
started at like I'm not heating like 10
o'clock I didn't even finish until after
6:30 and I am so worn out like
physically my eyes are just like all
seem dicks because I was on the computer
like trying to do like researching
things because YouTube has done some
changes and stuff so I've been trying to
figure out all the changes and I'm
trying to figure out like how many hours
I have - how many people that are
subscribed oh my gosh just it all on my
tail all day long and with all of us not
feeling well and being sick the last
ball oh I feel like the kids have been
sick for pi 2 weeks I feel like it's
just lingering with them with me it's
been a few days today knock on wood I do
not and have not had a sore throat all
day long but I woke up this morning with
a massive headache oh my gosh like one
of those headaches where you feel like
someone is standing over you with their
fists just pounding you in the head
just like oh my god I can't do this like
please go away
yeah so I got it this morning I took
some ibuprofen didn't do anything didn't
even touch it so then about well six
hours later I took more ibuprofen and
nothing no no sorry four hours later I
know two hours later after I took the
first dose of IV Program I took four
Tylenol nothing and then when I was able
to take another dose of the ID program I
took another dose
finally it led up to the where my head
is feeling okay now other than just
physically like tired because of reading
and trying to I mean literally I am
tired from the computer my computer is
clear across the room it is staying over
there tonight I am done with the
computer it's making um but I got that
done and then I got my vlog edited and
uploaded and then you guys got to see
the business one I was so excited to
finally be able to upload that and give
you guys like all the details of
everything that I have been doing and
working on and it's been you know it's
been a process but it's been an amazing
process and it's been a process that
it's been exciting and excuse me I I
just can't wait to start like I really
can't wait to start getting orders and
don't we know men yeah it's something
that literally I have just been like
waiting for um so definitely I will be
posting my email address for you guys
when you want to make orders you can do
it through that or you can just text me
through the text number that is strictly
for texting for orders I don't get phone
calls on that number so it's just
strictly texting
and so I have that number for that along
with the email now personally I would
suggest doing the email but if you can't
do that I totally understand and I will
get right on it when it comes through
with the texting it's not like it's a
problem or anything I already have one
youtuber that is reaching out to me to
do like reviewing of my product which
was really exciting and then with that I
will be able to possibly get my name out
there to her subscribers and also do her
merchandise so that will be exciting too
I am really really excited to wear this
is gonna take me and what else
today has just been one of those floppy
days and I think part of it I think has
just been that I have been with the kids
literally all week long every single day
I have been with the kids all week and
bless my kids hearts and bless my heart
but today today just felt really heavy
for me and that's just being really
honest with you guys I just really
struggled I think because you know my
kids have been so cranky the last couple
of days you know the two little ones
have done nothing but cry and cry and
cry and fight and cry and then I've got
Maya that he just he likes to taunt them
I've got him fighting with the little
ones and creating them to scream more
and then that creates me to start
yelling because I'm happy to yell over
all the screaming it was just like today
has just been really a rough day and
then all he wanted to go and hang out
with his friend which I'm totally cool
with like that you know I don't have a
problem with that but I just felt really
alone today and I felt like I was really
just doing everything by myself
and when you're already just feeling
exhausted from be kids and everything
else it's just you know and you're
trying to work and you're trying to get
you know you're trying to understand
things that you're not understanding and
it's not making sense and you're
fighting with your computer and you know
your phone keeps freezing up on
so every time you go to try and print
something out it's freezing up so then
you have to shut it all down I mean it
just was like one thing after another
and I was trying to clean the house I
had to give the babies baths I was
trying to get laundry done and it was
just like I felt like my list was so
long of to dues that I felt like I was
never gonna see the end of it like I I
felt like I was just going around in
circles like I didn't feel like I was
making any dent in the things that I
needed to get done today and so it was a
really kind of a tough day I mean I am
really being truly honest like there
were moments where I just wanted to
start crying because I just felt sad I
felt alone I felt just I don't even know
how to describe it just you know I I
have one person that I talked to usually
every single day like we're on the phone
all the time and you know she's kind of
taking a different route in life and
that's totally cool and fine I mean
that's totally her choice you know I
have nothing to do with me I you know I
obviously can't control what people do
in life but I feel like you know the
person that I have been close to for a
couple of years now that we're like
totally on two different levels that I
don't have anybody to really talk to and
sometimes that's hard you know and when
all he came home tonight he was just
like is everything okay and I was like
yeah I'm fine and he's like you just
seem really you know like upset and I
was like I'm not upset I'm just
irritated and he's like what's going on
it was it the kids and I was like well
yeah part of it was the kids you know
I'm just you know I'm tired just like
you get frustrated with the kids I get
frustrated with the kids and you know
I'm so thankful that you give me my day
away but it's still like not sometimes
enough like today's the day that I'm
usually I should be the one getting away
on Saturday and he got to get away and
then tomorrow he gets to get away so he
told me well tomorrow morning you know
go and spend some time for yourself I'll
give you a little bit of money go treat
yourself and go do something in that so
loving and
I'm so appreciative of that but it's
still just you know I I today is just
the day that I am mentally and just
physically struggling and you know I
didn't have like any like thoughts of
hurting myself or anything like that but
it's just like just one of those moments
and in a day where you just fill empty
and you know you're burning your candle
at both sticks it our post expel thins
you know you're trying to be a mom
you're trying to be a wife you're trying
to launch a business that you have been
dreaming of for so long and you know you
have the responsibility of you know
another business that you are so
passionate about but feel so guilty
because I haven't been able to give you
guys the content that I want to be able
to give you guys and I feel guilty and I
feel bad and I feel like I'm you know I
really feel like I am letting you guys
down you know and I feel like I'm not I
don't feel like I am doing enough for
you guys and for my channel and I feel
so bad and I think that that's partly
why I have been in my rut the last
couple of days because they just don't
feel like I'm doing enough for you guys
and that breaks my heart because you
guys are my everything when it comes to
my passion YouTube is my absolute
passion and I don't feel like I'm being
able to give you guys everything that I
want to give you guys and so I feel like
I'm a disappointment to you guys in a
way and I don't want to get that way I
don't want to feel like I am a
disappointment to anybody you know when
I do something I do it at a hundred
percent and so when I feel like I'm
slacking or I feel like I'm not doing at
100 percent that definitely makes me
feel like a failure and I don't want to
be that failure I don't want to be that
in people's eyes like that's not why I
started my channel you know my channel
was to share with you guys my life and
my daily life and my struggles my UPS my
downs my ends my outs my you know my
challenges with my eating disorder and
you know my weight loss and my weight
gain and everything in between
my emotional roller coaster you know my
therapy my counseling I mean I started
this channel to share my everything with
you guys and the last couple of days I
mean I'm sharing with you guys
everything that is going on with me but
literally it's been nothing because I
just haven't been like a hundred percent
because I haven't felt good I've been
sick I've been staying home a lot you
know I've been dealing with my kids that
I've been sick so I haven't been able to
take them out because I don't want to
get them sick and it's like you know I
just feel like I'm not giving you guys
enough and I feel very very very bad
about that and I want to apologize to
you guys because I don't want you guys
to feel like I am a letdown and I don't
want you guys to look at this channel be
like oh she's just another one of those
youtubers that you know are just gonna
start taking you know taking this as a
joke or you know this is another
youtuber that you know she's gonna start
her ups and downs you know was that's
not what I want I want you guys to enjoy
when you come to my channel to enjoy
what you're seeing and I really be able
to give you my everything and I promise
you that I am doing my very best right
now but I'm also just the last couple of
days been so so much struggling because
of being sick and I you know it's hard
for me sometimes to be able to do you
know it's hard for me sometimes to
continue to move and go forward and live
life when I'm sick because when I'm sick
I get very weak I get very Bluff and I
hate that because you know I've had the
taste of being able to do things in life
so when it knocks me down I get
depressed because I feel like
I'm back at that point where I wasn't
able to move and I wasn't able to get up
and do things or go to the stores or you
know go out and enjoy myself and stuff
and so for me it's just uh just one of
those things where you just you know
what you want your brain is there but
your body is not and that's kind of
where I'm out right now it's like my
brains there but my body's saying hold
up we need to take a little bit of a
break calm down
let's get you better and then we'll move
forward so I think that's kind of where
I've been the last couple of days and
today especially just you know I wasn't
expecting to be on the computer all day
oh my god
I never expected to do that but I opened
up this email or not email but I was
watching a YouTube video that's what
started it and this youtuber was talking
about her channel and just the dynamics
and changing things and it kind of got
me thinking so I started looking into my
channel and I thought oh my god I
haven't set up this and I haven't set up
that and oh I gotta start this and then
I'm like oh my gosh by the time I knew
it we were like four and a half to five
hours into it and I'm like I have to
stop because I'm one of those that if I
can't figure it out I will sit there
until I figure it out and finally I was
just getting too frustrated getting to
pressure with that so then in return I
was taking it out on the kids and I was
taking it out on myself and I wasn't you
know I didn't take care of myself today
I have only eaten once all day long I
haven't drink any water
I have literally woke I have made two of
these and I poured the first one out
because the ice had melted this is my
second one and I haven't even touched it
and bless my son's heart he put my
strong backwards oh well but anyway so I
haven't drink any water whatsoever
my kids have sucked on it as well as I
did but I mean I drink coffee which I
did the caffeine I wasn't gonna drink
coffee you guys but I'm thinking that's
why I think - I was having a really bad
headache was a caffeine headache
so I didn't have any caffeine yesterday
remember I told you I'm in kick caffeine
headaches I know it I'm too sensitive to
them and so I think that's what it was
as well because after I drink about half
of the coffee my headache was starting
to go away but then again I had taken
another thing of Tylenol or ibuprofen so
it could have been not - I don't know
but I was up a mess with a headache
anyways
so with today I was clearly not planning
on sitting here all day but that's what
happened I did do my weigh-in so let me
put that in here now hello sweetie
I am down another pound only one pound
one pound but it's a pound but I think
things are gonna change this week
because I have significantly changed so
much going on in my body plus last night
I um I didn't record it but I danced
with the kids for like ten minutes
I made her only ten minutes you guys but
I danced um and then I think tonight I'm
gonna start with my sit down exercises
so we I will record that for you guys
tonight but other than that I mean
really I just I have really laid low
today very low I have yet to get my
that's why I was looking over here I
have yet to get my shelf cleaned off in
the closet cleaned out but I asked ollie
three times today
please let's do this please this is
gonna mean so much to me if you help me
do this so he told me he will so let's
see if that happens
um my husband's a very good forecast
inator and waits till the last minute so
um and also we are working on getting a
business address so soon soon soon you
guys I will have an address for you guys
so that because I've had multiple people
ask me about peel box and this and that
and I just I have you know what again
let let's be role I didn't want people
thinking oh my god she just started this
channel for people to start sending
things to them no no no no no no no no
that's not that's the farthest thing
that I would ever imagine or think to
ask I would never expect anybody in me
body to ever send my family or I
anything we would be appreciative of it
and we would absolutely love to get
things from you guys that would be you
know that would be a great blessing to
share things with my family and with my
babies that
from you guys but it's not something
that we expect and you know we love
cards I would love to have Jeremiah
get a pen pal and be able to start
writing and you know I think that would
be something awesome I think the kids
the babies same thing you know be able
to let them write somebody and you know
I think that would be something very
very cool
so getting cards and letters those are
the most amazing things I love things
like that is just you know cards and you
know they call it snail mail and you
know what we don't do that anymore you
know everything's V a text message or
email or you know facebook Messenger we
never ever ever sit and write letters
anymore
and honestly I truly miss that I love
when I used to receive letters and I
love when I would receive cards I still
have cards from a long time ago that I
would receive from people and you know
since then I've had a few people that
have requested you know my address so
they could send us Christmas cards you
know no we don't celebrate Christmas but
I still embrace everybody's holidays
that they traditionally celebrate so we
would love to receive a Christmas card
from you guys or you know a Thanksgiving
card or whatever card it is that you
guys are giving us we I would love that
and my goal is is to save every single
card and letter that we receive because
that is something awesome and then put
it into a tote and that is something
that we will hold dearly for all of our
years because that's something special
because like I said before you guys hold
a very special piece of my heart and my
family's heart so anyways a lot of
babbling tonight I am so sorry but I
just needed a talk I needed to vent and
I know one of my safe haven places that
I can come to is to you guys and share
my feelings and you know be able to talk
to you guys and tell you how I'm feeling
and hear your guys's responses back I
know you guys are
feeling you know disappointed but I know
that I feel like I am a disappointment
so being able to come on here and
apologize to you guys and let you guys
know that I hope you guys are taking
this offensively that I have you know
not been going as many places and I've
been staying home a lot and I haven't
been moving around a lot it's just been
a lot of me trying to get better and me
trying to just Hill up so I can get
going and get back on the track of you
know on the go moving and doing
something because staying home ain't the
thing I did want to update you guys so I
don't know if I updated you or not but
I'm gonna update you guys again just in
case I didn't I got a notice in my email
box from my doctor's office that my
medical approved uh my arth orthopedic
surgeon appointments so I should be
receiving and I can't call until I
receive the actual paper in the mill and
that's just because then they by then
will also have the paperwork the
orthopedic office so I will wait for
them to give me wait until I receive the
paper and then I will call them schedule
an appointment and get my happy tail in
there and see what we're gonna do
because yeah I was so excited when I was
like oh my gosh I gotta go I gotta prove
I could afford olia get approved so
definitely I will be taking care of that
I did talk to Ollie you some more about
the the water aerobics he is totally one
half percent on board about it he would
like to even get the babies and Maya
also into swimming lessons and start
letting them get into the pool so we
would be able to actually get a family
membership which would be really cool
plus Jeremiah is not he's not a sports
type of child um he did play once he's
in a basketball and he really enjoyed it
and when the next year came around I was
pregnant and I was on bed rest a lot so
I unfortunately we couldn't put him in
there because all he was working nights
and weekends and I had nobody to help me
take him back and forth to his games so
then when the next year came around I
was like hey let's you know join up for
basketball and he's like no I don't want
to as I come on my I like come on you
really enjoyed it
no no no you didn't want to do it so
I've tried a few more times to like hey
you want to play soccer nope
you want to play basketball nope
baseball no Micah checkers something um
he just has no ambition to do anything
which really breaks my heart because I
would love to see him be more involved
with more things than just staying at
home because I can tell the babies are
gonna be the ones that are like
on-the-go wanting to be in different
sports and so if I can already tell I'm
just cuz they've got so much energy and
Jeremiah was always even when he was
little just always laid-back just go
with the flow
do whatever didn't mine didn't care he
would just fit himself wherever you need
to squish them but with Omar and Ezra
they are just like go go go go go go go
always busy doing something getting into
something so Ali also had mentioned to
me that he would like to get them in
karate the two little ones I think Ezra
is still too small but Omar will be four
in February and I think that's when you
can start I have to make some calls
around Salem to see where we could get
him in and where I would feel most
comfortable they have a couple to choose
from here just in West Salem which would
be really nice so I'm thinking of doing
that and then again Jeremiah I was like
do you want to get into karate nope
I'm like son you want to go on an air
boom what do you want to do like God's
to do something so I don't know I really
don't know where we're gonna go with
that but you know even if we got like a
family membership through the
ship through the courthouse I know that
they have different like things that the
kid that they have for the kids so I'm
thinking that we might look into
something like that and then maybe if
they have like basketball through there
he would feel maybe a little bit more
comfortable I don't know if you guys
have any suggestions of things that your
guys's kids maybe played that you
weren't like your kids weren't into like
the sports type of stuff but something
that I can encourage him to try he is
really hard to push out there because
he's such a shy person that he just he's
not a very social person he really isn't
and so to get him into something where
you have to be physical or social nope
won't fly and being touched he can't
handle touch so basically karate would
never work for him anyways cuz he would
wig if somebody touched him just because
he can not handle being touched it's
part of his stuff that he does with his
abilities
so anyways other than that and it's just
all pretty much what I've been up to I'm
gonna have a shrimp salad for dinner
tonight and I had earlier today I had a
turkey sandwich and I had my coffee that
is all I've had today that it's on I'm
like so anywho um I will let's see
tomorrow is Sunday I'm gonna go in the
morning and have some time for myself so
I will definitely check in with you guys
and share with you what I am up to
before I have to come and start with my
kids anyways you guys I hope you are
having a wonderful weekend and it always
makes me feel so good when I can come on
here and talk to you guys I know that I
don't get any responses back not right
away but it still feels good because
it's like it's almost like a live diary
does that make sense like you cuz you
could just talk about your day about
your struggles your secrets everything
like it's just weird I just I love it
um this one is about gone um let's see
Charlie is almost gone
Samuel is being really bad he's not
wanting to go away
nope he's sticking around for the long
haul but Charlie's almost gone anyways
yes
I named my pimples because I get them
very far and in between and when they do
they seem like they've got to come all
at the same time so it's like one brings
them all thanks you guys
anyways all right I am gonna close here
and go get ready for dinner and then go
take a shower and get the kids ready for
bed because the sooner I get my kids
ready for bed the sooner I know I get
mommy time tomorrow yeah anyway I will
check in with you guys tomorrow bright
and shiny in the morning until then
sweet dreams bye-bye
